love/hate
when you love someone, something so much, it hurts. you're wanting it much that you can no longer tell love from possession. and while you can't acquire it, then defense mechanism at work, it backfires badly. you hate it as much as you love it.
the question
once a friend asked me if it's evil to think bad about your friends; if it's wicked of thinking your friends not deserving to have something better.
the beast
it's grunting. it beholds its master and no longer lingers in the dark corner. it's here. salivating, crouching and ready to charge. it's like it's going to destroy everything, the beauty, the ugly, the good and the bad.
the smile
that smile, i still remember. on one day, i saw that particular face, she looked exhausted. still, i saw her putting up a weary smile when our eyes encountered. on another day, i gave her a box of chocolate, she smiled, but this time, merrily. when i was thinking of buying chocolate yesterday, i recalled her vivid smile. then, i
learned a very simple thing...
in my vein
the bitterness, the jealousy, the fear, they are all filled inside me in these days. i was never holy, nor i am; i am just who i am. and all these feelings, all these emotions, they are part of me, and they are what make me special. special not in a sense that i'm superior or inferior to anyone. so that's it, the beast is still with
me, which i tell i won't be ashamed of anymore.
the final moaning...
equal affections
i love "the more loving one" by W.H. Auden when i first read it years ago, and i still love it so much now (and it hurts!). "If equal affections cannot be, Let the more loving one be me." i tried, but i forgot it most of the time. maybe i am never that noble a person nor i will be. but probably my wish is very simple, just to make someone smile.
The More Loving One
by W. H. Auden
Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.
How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affections cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.
Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.
Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.
